why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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