I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
