Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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