i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
