went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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