i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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