when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
