Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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