She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
