that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
