What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
