Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
