My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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