I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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