Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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