You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
