you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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