I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
