Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
