I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
