I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
