I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
