I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
