The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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