i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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