i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's rum buckets o'clock
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
