I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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