How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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