I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
