if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
