So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
