just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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