Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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