I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
