Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
