Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
