I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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