Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
