I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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