You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
