i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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