Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
