I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
