Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
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Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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