I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
