I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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