Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
