Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had to cum in my sink.
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