I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize