waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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