I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i drank out of a bidet.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
