Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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