I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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